Lemon?
Which of these pictures do you like better?
Um... the one on the left?
So the wacky one?
Sure. What's the picture for?
I'm giving the keynote address
at the company's Six Sigma Retreat
to Move Forward in Croton-on-Hudson.
Oh, Is that like a corporate retreat?
I used to have to perform at those all the time
back when Jenna and I were in that improv troupe.
The audience suggestion is...
Sling Blade and Oprah on a date.
I sure do like them French-fried "pataters."
No, you don't, Oprah.
Jenna is not a great improviser.
To be honest, Lemon, uh...
I'm a little apprehensive about going to this thing.
I haven't seen a lot of these people
since the C.E.O. debacle and my time in the Bush Administration.
Yeah, Jack, you never really told me
what happened in Washington.
Please be gentle.
The point is a lot has happened to me
since the retreat last year.
So I hope that when I return
they still think of me as the same guy.
You've got camp jitters.
What?
You haven't seen your little business camp friends in a year
and now you're afraid everybody's
going to think you got weird.
Uh, Lemon, the Retreat to Move Forward
is a global meeting of G.E.'s best and brightest.
Careers are made there.
It would be helpful to have
someone with me who's got my back.
Oh, no, don't make me be your camp friend.
I hate those corporate things...
a bunch of drunk people talking about synergy.
First of all, never bad-mouth synergy.
And I'm asking you to do this as a favor.
Oh, fine, I'll go.
For you.
As long as this place has a spa.
They do.
Where you are allowed to eat in the sauna
because at some places, they get mad.
Writers?
We need to gather for an actor announcement.
As you probably know
I have been cast in an upcoming feature film.
Is it a movie where you swap brains with your granddaughter?
No, Frank. I will be playing Janis Joplin.
Or depending on
how some legal matters pan out, a Janis Joplin-type character
named Janet Jopler or Janie Jimplin.
Why are you telling us this?
Because I will be employing the Method method of acting.
So, for the next few weeks, I will only respond
to "Janis" or "Miss Joplin."
If you're nasty.
If anyone has anything to say to me, Jenna
now would be your last chance.
Oh, your hands are weird.
I don't think you went to high school.
I'm not busy Friday.
I just said I was.
Okay, I am Janis now.
You are all saying those things to Janis Joplin.
The veil is drawn.
Oh, hey.
You should do your Janis
research on Wikipedia.
It's online, so anyone can update it.
You know, because people are finding out new things
about Janis Joplin every day.
Really?
Yeah.
Thank you, Frank.
"Wikipedia." I'm going to check that out.
Okay, I'm on Wikipedia.
"Edit page."
Did you know that Janis Joplin
speed-walked everywhere and was afraid of toilets?
I have heard that, yes.
Was she really?
So how am I looking, Dr. Spaceman?
Well, Tracy, I... I don't know how to say this.
"Dee-ay-butt-ees"?
Diabetes?
That's it!
Well, now we know what we're dealing with.
Unless you make some serious lifestyle changes
you're in danger of becoming diabetic.
So how bad is diabetes, really?
It's quite serious.
If left untreated, you could lose a foot.
Could I replace it with a wheel like Rosie from "The Jetsons"?
I suppose.
But then, you'd have to register as a motor vehicle.
Well, buddy, here we go.
Bases loaded, bottom of the ninth.
Are you going to step up? Oh, yeah.
Because it's winning time, you magnificent son of a bitch!
You go in there and show them.
Make Mommy proud of her big boy because he's the best.
Just do it. Is it in you? I'm loving it!
Are you okay?
Oh. I'm sorry. I was just, uh...
Were you psyching yourself up in the mirror?
I do that sometimes before I go to a party
where I don't know a lot of people.
Stop sweating, you idiot.
What is wrong with you, you stupid bitch?
I wish you hadn't seen that.
It's okay. Now you're ready to get in there.
You're psyched up, you've got your camp buddy. Just do it!
You are a lion.
Take what's yours.
There they are.
The Six Sigmas themselves.
They're dudes?
Each of them embodies a pillar
of the Six Sigma business philosophy...
teamwork, insight, brutality...
male enhancement...
"handshake-ful-ness"
and play hard.
Wish me luck.
Men? If I'd known your wives were alone
I would have stayed in New York.
Jack Donaghy. We've been waiting all day for you to show up.
Uh, this is my friend...
The guys over in War Machines have been dying to see you.
The Finulus data suggest we should be leveraging
disintermediation paradigms.
Well, obviously, the Finular analysis
will concur with any synergized
mindshare classifications.
Bladorian frankles.
Hi. I'm Liz.
I am Prashant. This is Joan.
We're M-7s. What level are you?
Oh, no. I'm just here with my friend.
Or I was.
So you're like a "G" or an "H"?
No, I'm not part of this. I'm not any letter.
"J"?
Morning, Mr. Jordan.
What's that on your foot, sir?
It's a practice wheel for when I lose my foot to diabetes.
You can't eat candy if you have diabetes!
There's no link between diabetes and diet.
That's a white myth, Ken...
Iike Larry Bird or Colorado.
It's not a myth! Gentlemen, back me up here.
I don't know.
My dad had diabetes and he ate whatever he wanted
until he died on the day I was born.
How do you not see the connection?
You know, there's a conspiracy theory that after the Civil War
the U.S. government spread false information about diabetes...
Word.
...to keep the newly-freed slaves sluggish and docile.
And I heard that from Yusef Jackson.
Toofer:... to this day
most African Americans don't understand that diabetes is
caused by sleeping on your back.
I don't think that's right.
Diabetes and diet.
Next, you'll be telling me that leasing a sports car
is a bad investment.
Hey, nice suit, Squaresville.
Where's the bank?
Uh, what can I do for you, Miss... Jimplin?
Well, according to my Wikipedia page
I'm going to need some cherry juice, buttermilk and tequila
to make my signature Janis Joplin cocktail
The Frankschlong.
Good grief.
Hey, Jack...
where have you been hiding?
Oh, Lemon, there you are. I'm sorry I got distracted.
Yeah, seems like you don't need your camp buddy.
I know. It's going great.
I'm actually joining the Six Sigmas for lunch.
Oh. Okay. I like lunch.
Right. Yes. Well... join us.
What is this?
It's "LUNCH."
Lego Utilization for Negating Crisis Hierarchies.
It's a competitive team-building exercise
where one person directs his teammates
in the construction of a Lego model that only he can see.
Lemon? Why don't you join Team Donaghy?
We'll win this thing and then we'll go to class.
I don't want to go to a class.
No, Lemon, "CLASS."
It's an acronym for Consuming Lunch And Simple Socializing.
Now, that just seems intentionally confusing.
K...
What's up with this disgusting stuff?
Mr. Jordan, I've seen too many folks back home die of diabetes
and Go-Kart accidents to sit idly by
while you ruin your health. You need to eat better.
N-O-E... no! E.
Okay, Mr. Jordan... whatever you like.
I just hope you don't get eaten by the Hill Witch.
Hmm, what's that?
I didn't say anything.
Oh, you want to hear a tale of the Hill Witch?
My Mee-maw saw her once
taking away a boy who wouldn't eat his vegetables.
She's a shriveled crone...
1,000 years old.
One look turns you to stone
and then she gorges on your living brain.
Through the stone?
Well...
Really, Ken?
That was your plan.
Doubt me if you dare.
But beware the omens of her coming...
crops will fail.
Animals will run wild.
And my page desk will be turned sideways.
Ooh...
Frank, you have got to check out Maroney.
Your Wikipedia prank is inspired.
Okay, Janis did it.
You can do it.
I'm gonna do it. I'm going to eat this cat.
Jenna, don't!
That's from "ALF."
"ALF" ate cats.
What?
I put all that stuff on Wikipedia. None of it's true.
Why would you do that?
I'm sorry.
I didn't know you were going to take it so seriously.
Well, of course I'm taking it seriously.
This is my chance to win an Oscar.
The Academy loves dead singers and the handicapped
and Janis was both!
No, she wasn't. Her legs bent the right way.
What? I speed-walked home on these!
You pathetic load!
You mess with me because your life is miserable!
Because you're disgusting!
What?
Nothing, just... you're yelling at me, you're a mess
you're Joplin-ed out on tequila.
It's kind of working for me.
Ugh, are you turned on right now? What is wrong with you?
I've got a thing for damaged goods.
But if you can get this raw in the movie
you are going to win the Oscar.
Really?
Two minutes.
Don't stop talking, Jack! Always be talking!
Hands in pockets, Joan!
Prashant, your job is to watch Joan.
Say something, Haircut!
Uh, you can't have more wheels on one side than the other.
Uh-doy-ee!
It goes on top! It's a smoke stack!
Yeah!
Suck it, nerds!
What happened to you, Donaghy?
What do you mean?
That woman is a subordinate of yours.
Her behavior is totally inappropriate...
the familiarity, nickname-ification.
And you seem to encourage it.
Well, Lemon is unique.
Okay, but the old Jack Donaghy wouldn't have stood for that.
Sorry, I dropped it when I was pretending it was my penis.
Robot penis.
We won!
Oh, hey, Jenna. Um, about last night...
Oh, God.
I just want to make sure you haven't
told anyone what happened.
I have a lot of irons in the fire around here.
You'll keep it to yourself, right?
Oh, yes. Of course. Thank you.
Yeah.
Wait... I'm sorry.
You don't want people to know about us?
Oh, God, no. I mean, it's so embarrassing.
Yeah, for me. You should want to brag about it.
Don't worry about that. Last night was stupid. Stupid, Frank!
No, last night was the best thing
that's ever happened to you. It was my mistake, not yours.
I'm the one who had to take the "Silkwood" shower this morning.
Okay, fine, whatever, but you'll be cool about this?
You... the one who cool should be!
Oh, all right. Cool.
Ooh... what the hell was that?
First of all, there's an omelet bar downstairs.
So you should probably go get yourself an omelet.
Second, I wanted to see
if your room is bigger than mine.
Aw, you have a sitting area? You jag!
Please come in.
Lemon, I give you a certain amount of leeway at work.
Uh, but while we're here, I need you to behave appropriately.
What are you talking about?
Well, the, uh, nicknames, the arm-punching, the familiarity
the way you were behaving at "LUNCH."
You can't say "uh-doy-ee" to me in mixed company.
Oh. Okay.
So when I helped you win that Lego thing
when I thought we were having fun together
I was actually embarrassing you? Is that right, Jack?
Uh, while we're here, I need you to call me Mr. Donaghy.
I get it.
You brought me here in case you needed me
but now that you have your cool Six Sigma friends
I can go back to the lake with the fat kids and make bracelets.
Lemon, you know how important this is to me.
I've got my speech tonight.
Yeah, don't worry. I get boundaries.
"Oh, sorry, Liz.
"My parents' basement only has room for five sleeping bags" or
"No, I'll come over after prom and we'll make nachos together."
Lemon, this is a part of our problem.
I give you a simple managerial suggestion in
a professional context and I get back the second half
of a Judy Blume novel.
Whatever. This place is dumb.
We're going to be back at work tomorrow.
Let's not make this bigger than it is.
Too late. Friendship over!
Good Lord.
Like a waitress.
Mr. Jordan, I am begging you as a friend to eat better.
I just don't want to see anything bad happen to you.
I'm fine, Ken.
I have so much energy my hand keeps dancing!
I just don't know what has to happen for you to start...
Oh, no! The signs!
What?
My desk is sideways!
The Hill Witch approaches.
Ooh!
Dudes, the craziest thing happened to me last night.
You're not going to believe it
but I found the secret skate park in Grand Theft Auto Four.
Nice!
Are you seriously talking about video games?
Oh, hey... Jenna. What's up?
How dare you?
How dare you be cool about this?
Frank and I hooked up last night.
Okay?
Oh, stop acting like you're ashamed.
I'm the one who's ashamed.
I mean, it's disgusting, right?
I slutted it up on this dirt bag.
It is disgusting.
Thank you, Lutz.
Jenna, this is a mistake.
No. Last night was a mistake.
This is a victory for hot women everywhere.
So what are we doing after this?
Um, Prashant and I have plans.
Did you guys hook up?
What happens in Croton-on-Hudson
stays in Croton-on-Hudson.
Uh, Miss Lemon...
I do still have a seat at my table up front.
No, thank you, Mr. Donaghy. I'm happier here.
Prashant, that is my foot.
My wrongness.
Excuse me, Mr. Donaghy?
I need to put a microphone on you for your speech.
I need you put a microphone on you
for your speech.
I can't believe you don't want to sit with Jack Donaghy.
He's not that great. You guys are my friends.
We should start
calling ourselves "The Three Musketeers."
Not.
Good one, Prashant.
So I heard about you and Frank.
Ugh, I know, it's hard to believe.
Now, Dog the Bounty Hunter is
the second-grossest guy I've been with.
You shouldn't have done that with Frank, Jenna.
Tell me about it.
Because he's mine.
Wait, what are you doing?
Ow! Why is my scalp burning more than usual?
I told you not to tell anyone!
Oh, what are you doing to my hair?
You stay away from my Frank!
Who is with my Frank?
Katie, Euzebia, please, let me explain.
Hmm...
What is this?
Eat your vegetables.
Damn, K. That is weak.
I'm a 40-year-old man.
You think I'ma be scared into eating some stuff because...
Look at me!
I'm a monster!
The Hill Witch!
Cover your brain!
Eat your vegetables!
Oh, come on, guys.
Okay, uh, your microphone is all set.
I'll come back right before your speech to turn it on.
And thanks for being so cool with me.
This is my first day.
No problem.
Well, buddy, here we go.
Bottom of the ninth...
Bases loaded.
Oh, yeah. It's winning time...
you magnificent son of a bitch!
What is that?
It's his psych-up speech.
He doesn't know his microphone is on.
We've got to tell him!
Why would we?
When a big one falls, four little ones move up.
You go in there and show those turds who's boss.
Make Mommy proud of her big boy.
Because he's the best!
Just do it. Is it in you? I'm loving it!
Just don't say your name, Jack. Please don't say your name.
- You are Jack - titan, maverick, lover.
Excuse me, where is the bathroom?
Your mic is on... in the ballroom.
What?
How much did they hear?
Oh, God. I'm ruined.
I'm never gonna live this down.
They're going to talk about this forever.
No, no, no, I'll help you.
It's gonna be okay.
I got nothing.
Whoo! What's up, Six Sigma?
It's Liz Lemon
from the Entertainment Division.
I just fooled y'all with my Jack Donaghy impression
where I say crazy things that he would never say.
So let's maximize our fun quadrant tonight.
Shout out any other impression you want to hear
and, uh, I'll do it. I dare you.
Do Jack Donaghy again!
No! What else?
How about Cher? Al Pacino!
Cher!
I believe I heard "Sling Blade."
Mmm, I love them French-fried "pataters."
Get off!
What's that? Mrs. Cunningham
from Happy Days?
Oh, Howard.
Oh, Arthur.
What's your name, guy?
Dave.
And what's the craziest thing that's happened to you
this weekend, Dave?
Hearing Jack Donaghy talk on that microphone.
Well, uh, not anymore 'cause...
check this out.
# Everybody dance now?
Lemon, that was heroic.
And I think it actually worked.
A lot of people from the conference e-mailed me to ask
if I was there when the bra lady went crazy.
They completely forgot about me. So... thank you.
Sure.
And I think it goes without saying that you are
banned from any future retreats.
I can't believe you did that for me.
That's what friends do, Jack.
Uh-doy-ee.